Free Parent Guide
Free Parent Guide · 0–8 years

Developmental crises: what they are, why they happen
and how to get through them

The one-year, two-year, three-year and seven-year crises — why they occur, how to recognise them, and what to do. Everything in one guide.

🧠 Relevant: children aged 0–8 years
The crisis map

All developmental crises — when to expect them

👶
One-year crisis (10–18 months)
Throws things, head-banging, clings to parent, first 'no'. Cause: discovery of self as a separate person.
🧒
Two-year crisis (18 months – 2.5 years)
'Me do it!', rigid rituals, disproportionate reactions, aggression when frustrated. Cause: will exists but self-control does not yet.
💥
Three-year crisis (2.5–4 years)
The Seven Stars: negativism, stubbornness, despotism, wilfulness, capriciousness, independence, devaluation. Cause: the first identity crisis.
📚
Seven-year crisis (5.5–8 years)
Arrogance, manipulation, inner life, importance of peers. Cause: transition to school-age thinking.
Why this happens

Why crises are good — and necessary

A crisis is not a breakdown — it's a system update. Like rebooting a computer before installing new software. After the crisis, the child emerges at a new level of development.
Every crisis is a new need that has just emerged and doesn't yet have words or skills to express itself. The behaviour is the only available instrument.
Daniel J. Siegel, Gordon Neufeld: 'Children who go through vivid crises are often more emotionally alive, creative and socially engaged.' The intensity of the crisis = the strength of the personality.
The crisis always passes. Average duration: 3–6 months. The worst outcome is when adults 'win' the crisis by breaking the child's will.
Universal principles

5 principles that work during ANY crisis

01
Identify whether it's a crisis or behaviour
A crisis is a sudden, intense, temporary change in behaviour. If the child changed suddenly — this is most likely a crisis, not character or parenting.
02
Empathy for the state — limit on the action
'I understand you're angry' (empathy for the emotion) + 'hitting is not allowed' (limit on the action). Never one without the other.
03
Fewer words — more presence
During an emotional flood, words don't land. Physical presence — a hug or simply 'I'm here' — works better than any conversation.
04
Your state is the primary tool
Child regulates their emotions through yours. If you panic — they escalate. If you are calm — they 'catch' the calm.
05
After the crisis — return to connection
After a hard moment: physical contact, shared play, 'I love you'. Reconnection after conflict is the most important moment for secure attachment.
The main mistakes

What makes ANY crisis worse

Treating the crisis as manipulation or bad parenting
Understand: this is a neurological phase of development, not character
The label 'manipulator' damages the relationship and solves nothing.
Fighting the child's will and 'winning'
Hold limits while preserving the child's dignity
A broken will during a crisis = broken self-esteem for years.
Isolating the child during a meltdown
Stay nearby — without words, without giving in to demands
Isolation intensifies fear of abandonment. Presence contains.
Waiting for it to 'sort itself out' without understanding
Understand the age and adapt your own behaviour
The crisis passes — but the quality of the relationship depends on how you showed up in it.
From a real parent
"For three years I thought something was wrong with my child. After I learned about crises I realised — she is perfect. I just didn't know what crises were or why they happen. Now every crisis is a growth point."
— parent from the TOLEMYNI programme

This guide is brought to you by TOLEMYNI — a children's education project helping parents raise confident, healthy and curious kids from 0 to 6 years through science-based activities.

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